Jason Kelce may be retired, but his off-field antics are still very much in midseason form. On the April 19 episode of the “New Heights” podcast, the former Philadelphia Eagles center jumped headfirst into the world of wizardry when a fan asked him to sort NFL stars into Hogwarts houses. What followed was a hilarious and surprisingly detailed crossover between football and “Harry Potter,” complete with Travis Kelce pushing his brother to sort some of the biggest names in the league — and the coaches, too.
It didn’t take long for the Eagles’ top rival Dallas Cowboys to become a primary target, with Jason labeling just about anyone associated with Dallas as a member of Slytherin House. The highlight was Jason’s full-blown comparison of Jerry Jones to Lord Voldemort, complete with Horcrux references and a jab at former Cowboys coach Jason Garrett. It was classic Kelce — part comedy, part chaos, and surprisingly well thought-out.
Jerry Jones = Lord Voldemort? Jason Kelce Thinks So
When Travis prompted Jason to start naming coaches, the first name that came up was Bill Belichick.
“Oh, Slytherin all day,” Jason said without hesitation.
Then came Tony Romo, the only former player of the bunch.
“Slytherin. I mean, anybody on the Cowboys is Slytherin,” Jason added, taking the roast a step further.
Travis, catching on quickly, asked, “So, Jerry Jones, is the head of Slytherin?”
That’s when Jason went all in: “Jerry Jones is, for sure, Slytherin. He’s Lord Voldemort. He’s probably got Horcruxes scattered all through the United States. Jason Garrett being one of them.”
In case listeners needed a refresher, Jason explained, “A Horcrux is someone that separates their soul and they put their soul into another object or person … you see what I’m sayin’? You see where I’m going in this? It makes sense now, right?”
It’s the kind of banter NFL fans have come to love from the Kelce brothers — a blend of pop culture references, inside jokes, and just enough truth to make you wonder how long Jason had been sitting on the Jerry Jones-Voldemort comp.
What Hogwarts House Are Jalen Hurts, Patrick Mahomes?
Jason didn’t just stop at coaches — he sorted players, too. Naturally, he put himself in the house of heroes.
“I’m gonna put myself in Gryffindor. C’mon, baby,” Jason said.
Travis wasn’t letting that slide: “You can’t just put yourself in the best house. That’s where Harry [Potter] was?”
Jason backed it up: “Harry, Ron, Hermione.”
Do they have Jerry Jones out there as Voldemort tho? pic.twitter.com/P5roluQ09v
— New Heights (@newheightshow)
Travis asked, “Do I get into Gryffindor?”
“I’d put you in Gryffindor. You’re in Gryffindor, for sure.”
On to the current stars: Jalen Hurts? “Gryffindor,” Jason said.
“We can’t put everyone in Gryffindor, Jason,” Travis countered.
For Kirk Cousins, Jason chose Ravenclaw. “[He’s] smart,” Jason said.
Then came Patrick Mahomes. “I wanna throw him in Slytherin because he just whooped [the Eagles] a** in [Super Bowl 57], but I do think that Patty Mahomes is a Gryffindor guy.”
Russell Wilson sparked some debate. Jason initially called him Slytherin, but Travis threw out “Hufflepuff.” Jason reconsidered: “You know what? I’ll do that. I’ll go Hufflepuff.”
Football fans might disagree on who belongs where, but one thing’s for sure — if the Sorting Hat ever shows up on “Monday Night Football,” we know who needs to be running the show.